I have a confession to make. My children don't have a sleep schedule. Or a life schedule. Or any kind of schedule at all. Everyday is different.
I used to relish the freedom. I am beginning to see the wisdom in having my kids wake up at the same time every day, nap the same time and go to bed at the same time. I think this is what people call "routine." I am craving routine. Month after month of Sadie deciding to go to sleep somewhere between 9 and 11pm - and then wake up whenever she wants to, is starting to take its toll. I am exhausted mentally and emotionally. There never is any downtime in my life. About three months ago I started taking guitar lessons. Between two kids, cooking, laundry and washing dishes it is almost impossible to find ten minutes a day to practice guitar. There is always someone demanding something from me. I think that's the hardest part about being a parent. Okay, the hardest hurdle is the sleep deprivation torture that occurs for the first year to two years. That is grueling. Sadie didn't sleep for the first two years of her life. My husband and I finally began to sleep through the night once she weaned at 17 months. Well, that's not really true. We started sleeping through the night once she moved out of our bed... when Aaron moved in. Aaron spent the first three months sleeping 4-5 hours in his swing and then the early morning hours in my bed. Typically he would wake up twice for 30-45 minutes and nurse and then he would sleep soundly again. Upon second thought I am realizing my husband started sleeping through the night once ninja Sadie stopped sleeping next to him but I don't think I have had a solid 8 hours of sleep since I became pregnant with my first. That is truly a crazy thought to me. No wonder my face is melting before I have even hit 30. I think with the next kid, I am going to have him or her sleep in the crib at night. I am starting to really resent our current sleeping arrangement. Sadie will only go to sleep at night if someone is in the room with her; otherwise she cries and yells from the room for an hour or so. Her mattress is on the floor right next to our mattress and Aaron's crib is in place of a side-rail on the other side of the bed. There is no space from the kids. I know, we decided to have children. I love my children. But my goals and my dreams are sidelined completely by any lack of structure in my life. I'm feeling a very strong need to develop my writing. I have wanted to write a book since I realized I could be a writer. I think I can love my children and still have them nap and go to bed at a consistent time. I don't know how to do it but I will try. My sanity deserves it.
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I have become obsessed with baby wearing wraps. This is an obsession bordering on obscene. About two months ago I was hanging out with some mommas after an ICAN meeting when one of the ladies mentioned a babywearing group. I found the idea to be intriguing and asked her to send me an invite on facebook.
I had NO IDEA what I was getting myself into. I wore Sadie in my ergo for the first two years of her life. I love my ergo. It is gray and has pretty stars on it. At the time I didn't see a lot of other moms wearing the same design. It was an easy way to carry Sadie around the streets of San Diego. Little did I know that I was a "babywearing" momma. I was actually part of an elite group of women that carried their babies. I certainly had no idea there was a facebook group specially for these women to trade wraps and become friends. Okay, I am getting ahead of myself. Wraps? What are these wraps? When I was pregnant with Sadie I began to research what I needed to buy to survive as a parent. I read the 8th edition of Baby Bargains religiously. In the book they discussed baby carriers, Ergo carriers winning their final approval. Online I began to search for baby carriers and stumbled upon the Maya wrap. It was beautiful. The wrap I swooned over was red with multiple orange lines, it was bright and daring. I decided not to purchase the wrap because I had no idea how to use it. The wrap appeared cumbersome, a monstrosity of fabric that would swallow me whole. Every once in a while I would think longingly back on the wrap and sigh, not realizing there was a whole world of wraps out in the world and people who were willing to teach me how to use them. I purchased my ergo instead, one of the few purchases I made before Sadie entered the world. Around 4 weeks postpartum I placed Sadie carefully into the ergo infant insert and wore her around the house. As they say, the rest was history. Well, until about a month ago. A friend wore a wrap to our playdate. It was pretty with green and yellow patterns. She saw my interest and offered me to try on her wrap. I was hesitant but willing. My friend and another friend who happened to be there encouraged me to use the wrap and wear my son in it. In moments he was asleep. I was intrigued. My other friend offered to add me on facebook to the Babywearing 102 group and TheBabyWearingSwap. I came home, logged on to facebook and spent the next week confused. There were so many wraps. I googled wraps and found blogs listing dozens of wrap companies. I felt like Alice in the rabbit hole. After a week of research I felt less comfortable with my wrap knowledge than when I started. The facebook wrap swap overwhelmed me. Women posted wraps for sale using strange abbreviations and terms to describe pieces of fabric. Did I mention the insane prices? Hundreds of dollars! I thought these women were nuts. Until one day I saw the most beautiful image on my facebook feed. It was a wrap for sale. My obsession began with some hearts, a few trees and two contrasting colors. I wanted this wrap. I lusted for it. (In case you're curious, here's the wrap.) All of a sudden my eyes were open to the constant "churning" (buying and selling wraps on the swap) that these women participated in. It made sense. At anywhere from $150 to $400 a pop it made sense to buy a wrap, see a wrap you wanted more, to sell the previous wrap and buy the new one. Or, as some women were prone to do, to buy multiple wraps and hoard them all like a dragon with her jewels. Soon I understood the photos of multiple wraps beautifully folded and stacked on one another on Stash Saturday. I needed to buy wraps. All of them. I needed 100% cotton wraps, linen wraps, bamboo wraps, hemp wraps and mixtures of all of these materials. I needed to buy pink wraps, green wraps, yellow wraps, starry wraps... I couldn't sleep at night. I spent hours at my computer staring at the swap admiring the many varieties of wraps. Then I stumbled upon Madame GooGoo Conversion wraps. She is a seamstress/artist in Poland who takes your beautiful wraps and converts them into Mei Teis, half buckles or full buckle carriers. After a restless night I brought up the obsession with my husband. He suggested contacting Madame GooGoo and getting a carrier made for me. I wrote the email and pressed send, my heart on my sleeve, my eyes teary with desire. The next morning I sang with joy. I had received an email from Madame GooGoo's assistant. I couldn't believe it. I was actually going to get my own carrier made by none other than Madame GooGoo. I responded immediately and waited for a response. Weeks went by, the flame of my desire slowly dying as I learned more about wraps and carriers. Yesterday morning I received an email from Madame GooGoo's assistant asking if I was still interested in having a wrap conversion made (a carrier made from a wrap of your choosing). I slept on the decision and realized this morning I was going to pass on the opportunity. Although Madame GooGoo makes the most beautiful carriers I have ever seen, there have been several wraps for sale on the swap sold by women disappointed by the size and fit of their new carrier. I can't handle that kind of upset. Also, after purchasing way too many wraps I know I need to cut back. Several attempts to sell my new wraps for what I paid for them and to cover shipping has ended poorly. Alas churning is not for me! On the upside, I have found myself lusting after a Tula wrap conversion. This is good news for me, not such good news for my husband :) Links To Encourage Your Wra The Baby Wearing Swap https://www.facebook.com/groups/thebabywearingswap/ Babywearing 102 https://www.facebook.com/groups/Babywearing102/ Tula Love https://www.facebook.com/groups/100769783399025/ Kokadi Babywearing https://www.facebook.com/groups/637271839623448/ Ocah Carriers https://www.facebook.com/groups/36623659917/ Madame GooGoo https://www.facebook.com/pages/Madame-Googoo-baby-carriers/145687608816099 Last night when I drove into my driveway with a hysterical newborn, a car full of clean clothes and a trunk full of groceries I was exhausted. I became exasperated when I saw Logan hadn't brought the garbage/recycling cans to the edge of the driveway. I grabbed my sweaty, red little man from his car seat and unsnapped Sadie while holding Aaron close to my body to shield him from getting a chill. I slammed the gate open and Emma, our dog, stared at me. I looked up and all the lights were lit in the house. I became more irritated as Aaron continued to scream and I wondered why Logan hadn't put Emma in her kennel since it was already dark outside. I tried to open the front door. It was locked. I started to bang on the glass getting madder and madder forgetting I had a key to the house. Logan opened the door, smiling and shirtless.
I brushed past him, angry. I immediately began to drill him, asking him why he didn't bring the trashcans out and put the dog away. Sadie walked in and I saw Logan holding the door open and ask Sadie to give him a hug. Aaron continued to scream. I left the room and sat on the couch to nurse. Finally Aaron calmed down, the groceries were in the house, the laundry was brought in and Emma was kenneled. (I must admit in hindsight I feel horrible for the way I treated Logan. This shrewish behavior is not typical. Logan is a mensch and a very helpful husband. I think we were both more exhausted than we realized.) During bath time Logan sat in my nursing chair and began to tell me he wanted to talk about the idea of more children. I had mentioned to him the day before a conversation I had with some friends regarding their husbands and vasectomies. Some husbands wanted multiple children and some only wanted one. He told me the conversation encouraged him to think about his own stance on children. He held Aaron in the crook of his left arm, his cellphone in his right hand and began. He admitted how hard it is to raise children. The lack of babysitters, the nine months of pregnancy, the nursing - all of these things take away me, his wife. We became pregnant with Sadie after we became engaged. Neither of us believed we could get pregnant and when we did 6 months into our relationship, we were shocked. Other than the first 6 months of dating, we have never been alone. We haven't had wild adventures together. We haven't lived the life typical American 20 and 30 something couples live. We see friends together rarely. Our lives are family centered. I've spent most of our relationship either pregnant or nursing. Sadie only moved out of our bed when Aaron moved in. We now have four of us sleeping in our bedroom - Sadie in her bed adjacent to ours and Aaron switches from the swing to our bed through the night. I think it has taken a toll on my husband. I started to cry when I realized what Logan was saying - that he was "80% sure" he did not want anymore children. He had a daughter and a son. He felt complete. When I started to cry from an ache deep within me Logan comforted me. He said he didn't realize I felt so strongly about having more children, he was willing to have more if I really wanted more. The idea of stopping at two hurt my heart. I felt betrayed. When we spoke about children at the beginning of our marriage we liked the idea of having a large family. However, my challenging pregnancies and subsequent parenting style has changed Logan's perspective. In Judaism there is the concept of "shalom bayis." It stresses the importance of peace in the home. Harmony between spouses above all else. Maybe we are an anomaly, but having children has added stress to our marriage. Two children takes away even more of our personal time. Usually Logan attends to Sadie and I take care of Aaron in the evening. We barely have time to speak two words to each other. And if we do attempt to talk, Sadie is jumping in Logan's face demanding attention. If we put Sadie to bed earlier, Logan doesn't get to see her since he works such long hours. I know we are deep in the trenches at this point. A part of me does long for freedom. A part of me rejoices at the idea of not putting my body through pregnancy again. In many respects I have fulfilled my "duty." I gave my husband a girl and a boy - we could be done. A small voice inside me cries out, begging me to continue. What if it is the voice of my future child waiting to come into this world? My dog, Bobo, died today. He was a little over a year old. He will be missed. Last night he wasn't home and Logan drove around the neighborhood looking for him. I went to bed hoping he'd be there when I woke up - he wasn't. On the way home from Mommy and Me as I was driving up the freeway off ramp there he lay on the side of the road. My doggy was dead. I looked away in pain and drove the rest of the way home with a heavy heart. I turned off my car, called Logan and started to bawl. I told Logan Bobo was dead and he was on the side of the road. Logan was on speakerphone and told me he was coming home to bury Bobo after wrapping up a few details at the office. I didn't think Sadie, my two and a half year old, was listening or even cared about what I was saying. Boy was I wrong. "Mommy, Bobo is dead? He's coming home now, right?" Sadie asked me in her innocent voice. "No, Sadie, he's dead. He isn't coming home." That's when her tears started. Sadie cried on and off unsure of the situation. When Logan came home we were both surprised by Bobo's body missing from the place I had seen him. Within the hour between my sighting and Logan coming home someone had picked up Bobo's body. There would be no closure of burying his body, of having a resting place we could visit when we wanted to say hello. Bobo had died and then disappeared. As Sadie continued to cry on and off about Bobo dying I remembered a story my parents had told me when my cat had died when I was little. They told me my cat had gotten married and I would not see him anymore. I spent years on my bike looking for him, wondering if every orange cat I saw was my married cat. I decided Sadie thinking her dog got married was better than thinking he was dead - so I told her he got married. I was wrong. The message became confusing. Now Sadie was repeating that Bobo had died, gotten hit by a car, had an owie and was married. All of a sudden I had ruined marriage for Sadie. Death and marriage were in the same line of reasoning. Not exactly what I meant to do. I had hoped to eliminate the concept of death completely and replace it with Bobo being a married man, err dog. I called Logan's aunt, a child psychologist, who explained it was important for Sadie to know the whole truth and to erase the myth of Bobo's marriage. It was important for her to understand he was hit by a car and had died and would not be coming back. An uncomfortable conversation I did not wish to have for many more years. Who knew a toddler could even remotely understand the concept of death? I love baby wearing! I really do. Aaron likes to be held but he is also content to sleep in his swing. I'm the one who needs to hold him. I love seeing his face only 6 inches from mine. His breath - sweet smell of mother's milk on his tongue. His pursed lips, his perfect nostrils, his hands resting comfortably on my chest. Every once in a while a sigh escapes his lips.
After Aaron was born I decided to hold him less than I held his big sister. I laid him on his back in the cosleeper and left the room. I spent about a week only holding Aaron when he was awake or crying; if he was resting I would put him down. This behavior left a pit in my stomach. It depressed me. I missed my child. We co-slept with Sadie and only got her out of our bed after Aaron joined the family. We also didn't sleep through the night until I weaned Sadie at 17 months. I was desperate to not repeat the mistakes we made with Sadie. Consulting with friends who do not baby wear I left Aaron to sleep on his own. I can't regain the hours of bonding I missed the first week of his life. I mourn that missed time. Now that I'm healed at 6 weeks postpartum and wearing Aaron does not hurt my pelvic region, I am wearing him all day. I carry him in my Moby, in my Ergo and in my babysling. Holding Aaron close to my chest brings me great joy. Perhaps for him it doesn't matter, but for me, it is a way to bask in the glory of a newborn while being present for my two year old. Have you read the departure memo written by an associate (lawyer) to her work colleagues at a big law firm?
Link to memo and article: http://abovethelaw.com/2012/11/departure-memo-of-the-day-parenting-gets-the-best-of-one-biglaw-associate/ She's a mother of two children who attempted to work full time and to fulfill the needs of her family. In the memo she delineates how her day is broken down from the moment she wakes up to the time she finally goes to bed. I read the memo fully sympathizing with her plight. Last night either Sadie or Aaron cried until midnight. Sadie fussed with the tabs on her diaper. Aaron repeatedly wanted to nurse. Neither wanted to sleep in their bed. Sadie screamed. Aaron cried when Sadie wasn't screaming. It was rough. Thankfully Logan was a calm presence in the night - he kept everything together. After a stressful weekend and lack of sleep, I had zero patience to put up with Sadie's hysterics over her blanket/diaper/bed. Aaron's need to nurse, while tiring, was understandable and tolerable. Two in the morning when Aaron wanted to nurse again and refused to sleep unless I rocked him, I read this article. I felt for this poor woman. How can we expected to stay up all night with cranky/sad/sick children and then work full time? While I am sleep deprived, my days are filled with cleaning poopy diapers, hanging out with two kids under the age of 3 and cleaning/cooking/spending time with friends. None of these things require great brain power or a well rested mother (although sleep would be appreciated). And here's a woman who obviously wants to be there for her children. Not all women are interested in spending a lot of time with their kids so they hire outside help. But for those women who want to be there for their kids, it's a horrible choice between your kids and your career. This woman, as an associate at a big law firm, had to have worked her butt off in college, aced the lsat, done amazingly well at a top law school and then invested over 2000 hours of her life per year in the law firm. Those 2000 hours a year are just billable hours, they do not include all the minutes in between that are not billable. This woman INVESTED in her career. Then, as many women do, she decided to have a family. We are repeatedly told women can do it all. Look at Hollywood - example after example of successful women with children, we don't see the team of staff that support these powerhouses. One day she had to admit that she couldn't do it all. She could not give her family the attention they needed and give her career the attention it needed. My heart goes out to her. In this ageist society and resume driven workforce, I fully believe having children first and working on your career later is extremely difficult. Who wants to hire a 40 year old woman with little to zero work experience? Companies like to hire fresh young recently graduated folk who have the stamina to work day and night. Young people who are malleable and do not understand the ins and outs of work politics. People who can stay with a company for many years, not people who are nearing retirement age. Interestingly, her memo gave me clarity. For many years I have beaten myself up for not getting into law school despite trying for three years. I worked my butt off preparing for the lsat and applying to law schools. Instead I got married and have two babies. Here I am. On a frequent basis I become saddened by my lack of academic and professional achievements. Did I really apply myself in school and graduate from a top university to stay at home and be domestic? The answer, I suppose, is yes. I did. My children have a smart mother who will pass on a love of learning. And, I don't have to be an attorney in order to be successful. Later, perhaps, I will find other outlets for my creativity that will bring me satisfaction. Had I gone to law school I either would not have married or I would have married but chosen to wait on having children. I don't think I would have chosen to have children and leave my job. I love the fact I am home to see my children grow and change. I have seen every milestone in my children's lives. I am a witness to their glory. They are a gift and I am grateful to have the opportunity to be there for them. I continue to struggle with accepting my role as a mother with my desire to feel fulfilled in other ways. However, reading this memo has stressed to me the impossible struggle I would have faced had I gone to law school and then chosen to have a family. How can you choose between two loves? I can't believe I haven't posted here since Rosh Hashana (the Jewish new year). So... where have I been? BUSY MAKING BABIES!!! Okay, I made a baby and am now slave to a newborn. We named him Aaron Meir. I had forgotten how "newborny" newborns are. The feeling of responsibility is daunting. Newborns are so _______________ weak/small/precious/vulnerable/beautiful/precious/overwhelming/poopy. I feel like I need to do a lightening round of WHERE IS ESTHER before I can start blogging regularly. Here are some of my thoughts on the past few months: 1. Damn he is a loud pooper. People in the next room can hear him release. 2. Having a 2.5 year old that doesn't nap is absolutely horrible when you have a newborn. 3. 2am and 4am parties aren't as fun as they were in college. 4. Giving birth vaginally is way better than by emergency c-section. 5. Birth hurts but it's doable. No epidural means no intervention, which is just awesome. 6. A second degree vaginal tear SUCKS. Trying to do it all right after giving birth means you might rip some stitches and set your healing time back by weeks. 7. Sleep deprivation is really really really bad for brain function. Writing. Forming complete sentences in conversation. Coming up with words. Having patience with your 2.5 year old. God I miss napping. God I miss sleep. 8. Thank God for the baby swing. 9. The double BOB stroller does not have an insert for the Chicco car seat - what the hell are they thinking???? 10. I have become addicted to PretzelCrisps. Not this is not a paid advertisement, I have truly fallen in love with these pretzels. I have become accustomed to dipping them in butter. I have also become accustomed to not fitting into my clothes. 11. A doula is vital to a good birth experience. So is an excellent nurse. So is an excellent doctor. 12. I miss chocolate, a lot. My nursing babies (well Sadie and I am unwilling to test with Aaron) do not do well when I eat chocolate. 13. I'm really excited about the new slippers I bought for myself on Zappos today. They are warm and have arch support. 14. I can't believe what's going on in the east coast. How can there be Americans with no power for longer than a day??? 15. I really hate the direction my house faces. There is no light in my house until late afternoon. I wish I could turn my house to face north/south. 16. I'm jealous of Sadie's bright pink Hello Kitty undies... I wish they made them in my size. 17. I have forgotten how to spell. 18. Those Pampers sensitive wipes run out so quickly. Can't they give us more damn wipes? 19. Vaccines are on my mind. I've bought a ton of books about them. To get a flu shot or not to get a flu shot? 20. I miss my ob. I used to look forward to seeing him and now I have to wait until my 6 week check up and then if I problems DOWN THERE. 21. My newborn cries in the car. Just like his big sister used to. Distances I can travel have been halved. 22. My husband is so much more organized than me, it's sickening. 23. I'm bored being a stay at home mom. BORED. Epically bored. I know I'm doing what's best for my kids but I'm feeling like I'm getting dumber by the day. 24. Boys ARE so much easier than girls. 25. I am thankful to God for my vbac, my healthy baby and my family. 26. Did I mention I miss sleep? Chocolate? My v May you all be inscribed for a wonderful new year. May only blessings and good things be in your future. Love. Family. Joy. Peace. Balance. Serenity. Health. Family. Clarity.
To those I've offended, please forgive me. For those who have offended me, I forgive you. Let us enter the new year with resolve to live with love. Love, Esther I was at the grocery store with Sadie a few days ago when a little girl in a shopping cart repeated in an excited voice to her mother, "baby mommy, baby." She was pointing at me. I immediately felt tears threatening to spill down my face. Emotions of love and longing and joy overwhelmed me. The past year of cleansing my body, becoming pregnant and living a pure life all led to a purpose. There was a baby inside of me. In me. A baby. Life. Such a blessing. I am at the stage of pregnancy when I really look pregnant - there is no way around it. My belly protrudes into the world. My belly button has popped and fresh new stretchmarks etch my skin. My secret is now open for public consumption. The child within me is making his mark in the world. His presence affects those around him. Although no one can see his eyes or his fingers or his toes, they know him. His entity is only understood through the round hard shape attached to my form. He is known through association. He lives. He breathes. He exists. His presence in my womb solidifies my small role in the universe. I give him the gift of life and he gives me the gift of creating. His life, although dependent on mine, is separate. From the moment I will release him from my body we will begin a dance of separation. He will grow and push away and then return and push away again until one day he becomes an adult and fully embraces independence. We will cling and we will separate. We will repeat history. We will live. |
Meet the Blogger!
I'm a mom. A writer. A lover of good fantasy. A proponent of nursing when possible. A birth advocate. I am absolutely horrible at keeping my house clean or the dishes washed or the laundry done. I strongly believe in women having a positive birth. When we start to respect women's rights to birth the way they want, we can start to treat women as equal people in this world. Archives
February 2016
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