Part of our extended stay in Israel required finding a new home for our doggie Emma. Months ago my sister had offered to take Emma with her to college and give her back to us once we returned from our travels. Two weeks before our family vacation to Cabo in late December, I was made aware that my sister had a change of heart. Our FedEx man who was our backup plan (he loves Emma) said he could not take Emma because his wife did not want a dog at the moment.
I went to Cabo crushed. Emma's fate gnawed at me for the entire week. There was no way I could bring her to the pound, her fate unknown and out of my hands. I needed to make things right with my little girl. I needed to know she had a forever home. Upon returning from Cabo I wrote a facebook post which was reposted numerous times asking if anyone wanted to adopt Emma. Not one person was interested in getting a dog.
I became desperate as the days went by and only a week was left before we had to leave our home. I decided to post on the local BabyWearing Group asking if anyone wanted a dog. The responses were immediate and wonderful. There were so many families looking for a dog to add to their home.
Within an hour I had a family lined up to meet Emma, they were ready to make the drive that evening. However, my husband made me aware that Emma was chewing on her paw. I couldn't believe it. I found Emma a home and she decided to injure herself. I went outside and saw tears in her eyes. I messaged the family immediately and told them they would have to hold off until I took her to the vet the next day. In good conscience I could not allow her to leave my house without being in perfect health or at least under the treatment of a vet.
The next day I took her to the vet and had to leave her there as Aaron threw an epic temper tantrum in the room. I had lost my cellphone in my car and was stressed about texting Emma's new owners and letting them know she needed to stay for treatment for a few hours before she could go home with them. By the time I got home I was stressed, worried and overwhelmed. Ten minutes later a car pulls up and a lovely young couple with a baby park in my driveway. I spend some time walking them around the property trying to kill time and get to know them before deciding whether or not they can take Emma home with them. They seem very sweet and I decide they are good candidates to take Emma home. I decided Emma would ultimately decide and if she responded well to them she could go home with them.
Almost two hours later I drive to the vet's office and go to pick up Emma. I realize as I pay the bill this is the last time I will be Emma's mom. A pit of hurt starts to grow inside me. I choose to ignore it knowing I have no choice. I drive home and Sadie finally starts to understand that Emma will be leaving our home. Sadie starts to cry hysterically and refuses to leave the car. Meanwhile Emma is pulling to get out of the car and into the fenced area where she feels safe. I leave Sadie in the car with all the doors open and my cleaning lady who was holding Aaron for me while I went to get Emma hands me Aaron while explaining that he was crying on and off the whole time I was gone. Aaron is demanding to nurse, Sadie is wailing in the car and Emma is sniffing the new people in our front yard.
I can see instantly that everyone is falling in love right then and there. Emma never barks, she sniffs the husband and wife and gives them her belly to rub.
Emma is happy.
Now I need to deal with Sadie. "Sadie, please." I repeat again and again as I try to grab her and she runs around in my car just out of reach. I have Aaron in my hands so it's not easy to get a grip on her so I give up and walk back to the house. Minutes later she starts to wail, "I peed in my pants, I peed in my pants."
I sigh and hand a yelling Aaron to my cleaning lady as I grab a towel .
Sadie is standing desperate and red, tears streaming down her face. She is visibly distraught. She looked at me with eyes full of deep emotions and wails that she doesn't want Emma to go home. I am lost for words. My heart is breaking along with hers. My heart breaks for me, I have to say goodbye to my dog. And worst, my heart breaks for my daughter who is aching inside. Sadie cries out. For a moment our souls reflected pain and then I grabbed her, wrapped in her in the towel and carry her into the house. I place her in the bathtub with warm running water. I grab a lollipop for her and one for her brother and I sit with her in the bathroom as she cries. I ask my cleaning lady to watch her as I go outside and tell Emma's new parents to go.
I don't even have the opportunity to say goodbye. I can't really say goodbye. She was a good, loyal dog. A sweet and loving part of the family. I raised her from 6 weeks old and now she was going to live out the rest of her life with another family.
But as I looked at this new family I could see Emma was going to be just fine. I went back inside and Sadie had calmed down. I let her know Emma was leaving and she asked to see her get into the car. I wrapped her in a towel and ran outside with her in my arms and watched as Emma drove off happily with her new family.
Somehow Emma knew she had a new family and she accepted them into her heart. I have messaged back and forth with her new mom and I am relieved and elated I made the right choice for my little girl.
Recently I saw my therapist and worked through the pain of letting Emma go. I sat there and cried for the first time. Logan was less emotional about her leaving and I was afraid to bring up her name and make Sadie cry again. As I cried I finally felt the feelings move through me. My therapist also suggested doing art therapy with Sadie to help her with the process. The next day I brought up Emma, Sadie cried and then we drew pictures together. We drew pictures of Emma and we even made up stories with Emma and a bear. Since then Sadie has not really brought up Emma or cried about her not being part of our family anymore. I feel she has also moved those feelings through her finally.
I love Emma and I miss her every day. I think about her enthusiastic smile and happy bounce and the way she moved her ears up and down depending on her mood. And yet, I did my best to set her up with an amazing family who will love her for the rest of her life. I am sad for me and happy for her.
Goodbye dear Emma. We love you always.
I want to start this blog with a disclaimer. This post talks about sex. It talks about pre-marital sex and boyfriends and all kinds of unholy things that might offend some readers. You are being warned. I am so serious that this post might be really inappropriate to some people I have hidden it and you can only read it by clicking on "Read More."
It is actually happening. Israel. One month down and counting.
I haven't blogged in two months, I have written anything this entire time.
Moving to Israel has overwhelmed my life. Also, Aaron has entered the stage of tantrums and clings to me incessantly. I am only blogging currently because I had the novel idea to throw him in the stroller and walk him in circles around the property until he fell asleep. I'm hitting myself for not thinking of this idea months ago. Typically I have to hold him the entire time we are home unless Sadie is home and plays with him.
It has been quite the adventure these past few months.
We needed to fix up some things around the house that we never finished with the remodel. Then we needed to find tenants and show the house which meant packing more than half the house in order to have an overall organized appearance. With a super clingy Aaron and an inability to focus in chaos, I needed to hire cleaning help. I found an amazing lady who came in, saw my distress and then proceeded to boss me around helping me focus, clean and get organized.
We were blessed with a couple, the first people we showed the house to, who fell in love and decided to rent with us immediately. All of this only came together a few days ago as Christmas and New Years made it difficult to coordinate.
Last Sunday we flew home from a week family vacation in Cabo with Logan's family. My uncontrollable anxiety and terror related to flying made both turbulent flights difficult to manage. I am not sure how I am going to fly across the country and then to Israel in a month. I am aware I need to get a handle on my fear of flying and pray I will find inner peace.
We have one weekend, this weekend, to pack most of our house and put it in storage. By the following Sunday we will need to be vacated and patching up holes in walls and touching up paint.
The last real difficult factor is our dog Emma. Originally my sister said she was going to take her and then a few days before we left for Cabo she decided she no longer wanted the responsibility. Our Fedex guy had told me months ago he would take Emma if we wanted him to adopt her. Well, when we contacted him he let us know his wife didn't want another dog and he needed to pass on the offer. I have a wonderful dog's life in my hands and I am really stressed. My husband does not want to take her to Israel with us, and for the sake of shalom bayis (family peace) I have to leave her behind. I refuse to bring her to the pound. I am trying every option to find her a family.
Although there is a certain sadness for me that Aaron is getting older and we are leaving the baby years behind, I am feeling like Spring is coming to my life. A cool breeze is blowing towards me promising me freedom. I have either had a baby inside of me or attached to me for almost 5 years of my life. I am done. I am physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. I have no more of myself to give. I feel depleted on all levels. Although my husband has been helping me immensely and given me breaks, I am worn out by the responsibility of having a baby. I am exhausted. I still do not sleep through the night. Aaron continues to nurse and cry at night. I nursed Sadie for 17 months and I am committed to nursing Aaron for the same period of time. But I can't wait to stop nursing. I resent nursing him. I resent having to bare my breasts whenever he needs comfort.
I look forward to Aaron going to school. I look forward to working on my career. I am tired of living a life filled with laundry, cooking and children with nothing else to enrich me. I crave accomplishing goals that are important to me. My life-work balance is not there and I need it. I am no longer content as a housewife.
I do not know what Israel will offer but I am eager and open to its gifts.
Meet the Blogger!
I'm a mom. A writer. A lover of good fantasy. A proponent of nursing when possible. A birth advocate. I am absolutely horrible at keeping my house clean or the dishes washed or the laundry done. I strongly believe in women having a positive birth. When we start to respect women's rights to birth the way they want, we can start to treat women as equal people in this world.
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