Last night Logan and I spent an hour trying to figure out what we were going to wear as Sadie shrieked and moaned and demanded attention in the background. I tried on my new brown dress and found it to be too sexy for the occasion. Then I tried on my pink dress and again found it to be asking for too much attention. I finally decided on an outfit that wasn't too provocative and Logan decided on a shirt that he felt good in and we were on our way to my parents' house to drop off Sadie.
As we drove to the nightclub Logan asked me several times if Sadie was in the car. This was the second time in 13 months that we had left her with anyone and went on a date alone. The first time was about a month ago. So we are not used to only having two in the car. It is very strange to relate to one another without a child demanding attention in the background. Logan and I could actually talk to one another. I think we spoke about Sadie.
At the club we were assaulted by loud techno music and a plume of smoke coming from the patrons standing outside drinking and smoking themselves into oblivion. I gave the birthday boys hugs and big smiles and went searching for my best friend who was as happy to see me as I was happy to see her.
The two of us used to go clubbing every weekend together many years ago and we were very familiar with the rules of the club. I left Logan with his friends and grabbed my best friend and we walked to the dance floor giggling like school girls at the rare occasion of partying together.
After a few minutes of dancing we both became bored and restless. Neither of us were drinking last night - the dirty dance floor, loud obnoxious music and drunk people examining each other were blatantly obvious and old hat.
I realized last night that I would have much rather gone to a nice restaurant, ordered a meal, shared a bottle of wine and spent three hours conversing instead of packing myself into a room full of drunk strangers and avoiding all eye contact.
An hour and a half later Logan and I made eye contact, knowingly looking at one another and without words deciding it was time to go home. As we drove home I thought about Sadie, my sleeping bear, and I couldn't wait to see her. Two hours after dropping her off I was at my parents' house and I embraced her and kissed her face repeatedly.
I don't know if I lost my party-girl persona for good and I'm not sure I really care if I did. Perhaps that part of me has grown and matured into something less wild. Maybe motherhood has tamed me afterall?
Having a child has taught me how angry I can become and how controlled I must stay in the face of insanity that threatens to consume me. The hours of whining from teething and neediness my 13 month old displays destroys all sense of sanity I cling to with every passing minute. I love my child but sometimes I am infuriated by tears that are used only to control me.
Pesach is less than a week away. To say I am behind in my cleaning is an understatement. I am not sure if it was out of fear or out of denial but I have done nothing to prepare my house to be chamatz free. It's insanity either way.
At 6pm today I decided that I needed to start the process of purifying my home and started to empty out the pantry. Sadie was fine for the first ten minutes and then she started to whine. I comforted her and attempted to distract her with some crinkly bag sitting in the pantry and all I managed to do what set off wailing that maddened me with every milli-second. I lost my cool and threw the box of cookies I was holding against the wall. Not a sound came from my lips. There was no barbaric yell. I think my brain screamed out in frustration, all my fury taken out on the box of cookies smashed all over the floor.
After my temper tantrum I stomped into the living room and sat down with my head in my hands. I felt ashamed at unleashing my anger in such a physical way. I was upset that I may have upset Sadie. Thankfully she responded immediately by looking at me and then picking up cookie crumbs to nosh on. So no damage there.
I will be the first to admit that an anger lives within me constantly burning and blazing with barely a catalyst. My mother and father both claim to be of Kohen blood and sometimes I wonder if that's where the temper has its roots. Either way, I've spent my life attempting to lengthen my patience threshold and strengthen my willpower against emotional and physical violence.
I firmly believe only out of the truest love for my daughter has she escaped the numerous times I've wanted to unleash my frustration on her.
My mentor, a mother of four children, once told me that the difference between a good parent and a bad parent is the bad parent puts their children down the trash compactor while a good parent only thinks about it.
Prior to having children I made a vow never to raise my hand in anger against my children and to never emotionally or verbally abuse them. I have kept that vow. Each new day brings with it great challenges that force me to face my inner demons and look for more refined ways to express myself.
Every mistake is a learning opportunity.
So here's to tomorrow and to cleaning the chametz out of my life.
Meet the Blogger!
I'm a mom. A writer. A lover of good fantasy. A proponent of nursing when possible. A birth advocate. I am absolutely horrible at keeping my house clean or the dishes washed or the laundry done. I strongly believe in women having a positive birth. When we start to respect women's rights to birth the way they want, we can start to treat women as equal people in this world.
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