Having a child has taught me how angry I can become and how controlled I must stay in the face of insanity that threatens to consume me. The hours of whining from teething and neediness my 13 month old displays destroys all sense of sanity I cling to with every passing minute. I love my child but sometimes I am infuriated by tears that are used only to control me.
Pesach is less than a week away. To say I am behind in my cleaning is an understatement. I am not sure if it was out of fear or out of denial but I have done nothing to prepare my house to be chamatz free. It's insanity either way.
At 6pm today I decided that I needed to start the process of purifying my home and started to empty out the pantry. Sadie was fine for the first ten minutes and then she started to whine. I comforted her and attempted to distract her with some crinkly bag sitting in the pantry and all I managed to do what set off wailing that maddened me with every milli-second. I lost my cool and threw the box of cookies I was holding against the wall. Not a sound came from my lips. There was no barbaric yell. I think my brain screamed out in frustration, all my fury taken out on the box of cookies smashed all over the floor.
After my temper tantrum I stomped into the living room and sat down with my head in my hands. I felt ashamed at unleashing my anger in such a physical way. I was upset that I may have upset Sadie. Thankfully she responded immediately by looking at me and then picking up cookie crumbs to nosh on. So no damage there.
I will be the first to admit that an anger lives within me constantly burning and blazing with barely a catalyst. My mother and father both claim to be of Kohen blood and sometimes I wonder if that's where the temper has its roots. Either way, I've spent my life attempting to lengthen my patience threshold and strengthen my willpower against emotional and physical violence.
I firmly believe only out of the truest love for my daughter has she escaped the numerous times I've wanted to unleash my frustration on her.
My mentor, a mother of four children, once told me that the difference between a good parent and a bad parent is the bad parent puts their children down the trash compactor while a good parent only thinks about it.
Prior to having children I made a vow never to raise my hand in anger against my children and to never emotionally or verbally abuse them. I have kept that vow. Each new day brings with it great challenges that force me to face my inner demons and look for more refined ways to express myself.
Every mistake is a learning opportunity.
So here's to tomorrow and to cleaning the chametz out of my life.
Meet the Blogger!
I'm a mom. A writer. A lover of good fantasy. A proponent of nursing when possible. A birth advocate. I am absolutely horrible at keeping my house clean or the dishes washed or the laundry done. I strongly believe in women having a positive birth. When we start to respect women's rights to birth the way they want, we can start to treat women as equal people in this world.
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