I want to start this blog with a disclaimer. This post talks about sex. It talks about pre-marital sex and boyfriends and all kinds of unholy things that might offend some readers. You are being warned. I am so serious that this post might be really inappropriate to some people I have hidden it and you can only read it by clicking on "Read More."
I've been married for almost four years, in the same relationship for five. We moved in essentially a month into dating, so I feel married for five years. When people ask me how long I've been married I typically respond with five - I was married to Logan in my heart from the beginning. Gawd that sounded corny to me. I'm gagging, I'm gagging.
Okay, now that I'm done with saying absolutely horrible sappy stuff I want to talk about marriage.
Time for some cliche statement: Marriage is everything I thought it was and it's nothing of what I thought it was.
That is the truth.
When I was a teenager I was obsessed with romance and fantasy novels. I lived in a dream world filled with dragons and true love. I watched The Princess Bride repeatedly. I was obsessed with Ten Things I Hate About You. I loved the idea of a man and woman who were meant for each other. I was in love with the idea of true love.
Then I got a boyfriend. Dear boyfriend, if you're reading this you know who you are, I'm sorry. I tortured you. I was an absolutely horrible girlfriend. I made up for it by being really really great in bed. Can I say that? Is that allowed? Is that the most taboo thing I've ever written on my blog? Probably. Buuuuut, it's the truth and I'm going to own it. I was a great lay. So there. You put up with my shit for two years. Thanks!
For two years we broke up and made up every other weekend. I brought the drama to the table. I was on reality tv before reality tv made it big. I thought fighting and yelling were important aspects of any healthy relationship. I also thought it was normal to try to change your boyfriend into whatever you want. I didn't realize the importance of accepting a person . Unfortunately I was too young and too immature to realize how toxic our relationship was and how much I was poisoning it with my crazy behavior. We ended up breaking up for good when we both realized how different we had become in two years. I'm happy to say he has a happy good life and I didn't permanently scare him from women!
Without getting into a dissertation on my dating history, I went through several cycles of boyfriends that were learning experiences. By the time I met Logan I was battered and beaten and turned inside out. Things I used to believe were important in relationships lost their value with time.
Five years later I realize even more how little I really understood what it meant to be married. I thought I knew love. I thought I understood what love was about and I can say with total certainty I had no idea.
The first time I realized I was actually clueless about love was when Sadie was born. I had labored for 24 hours, had a traumatic c-section and was totally in shock from the whole experience. The first time I went to the bathroom I sat on the toilet numb and scared and alone. I felt so alone and alien in my body. I had horrible pain in my midsection and bandages and blood and a crazy postpartum belly and I didn't know how to accept all the changes that happened to me in a matter of hours. Logan called for me from the room asking me if I was okay. I don't remember what I said but the next thing I remember is Logan coming in, getting on his knees, changing my pad and looking at me with such tenderness and concern.
That was true love. A few hours later I was encouraged to shower and remove the huge bandage covering my mid-section. I stood in the shower and cried inside. My body was a mess. I was so swollen and damaged and bruised. I wanted to run away. I started to call for Logan and he showed up in the bathroom. He approached me like I was an injured animal and got into the shower with me fully dressed. I asked him to help me take off my bandage and with such gentleness he spent an hour taking the bandage off inch by inch.
True love isn't a fairy tale. It's not running away into the sunset after killing the bad guy. True love is two people committing every moment of every day to live their lives together. Logan could have looked at my body, shown disgust in his face and walked away. Instead he choose to stay, to nurture me and to love me back to good health.
Marriage is a constant renewal of commitment to your significant other. It's choosing that person as your partner in life.
It's saying I love you when you look like shit or you're in a bad mood or when life has taken you down a few notches.
I'm not saying it's about sticking it through an abusive relationship (I've had my share of those), but it's about forgiving the bad moments and moving on.
Marriage is about forgiving. It's about accepting the other person for exactly who they are - I should stress it's important to help challenge your spouse to grow and be better (spiritually, emotionally and physically) but it's equally important to love that person for who they are right now.
Great sex is also pretty key. I'm not saying it has to be a spectacular Hollywood moment (with two kids, you're lucky if you get ten minutes of peace) but the sex should be solid and a special way to connect with your spouse.
Ultimately I don't think a marriage can work without total openness and honesty between spouses. Communication is everything. Your heart, your mind and your soul - share them, open them to your spouse and see how much richer and deeper your relationship will flourish.
No, true love isn't about how handsome or gorgeous or smart or perfect your spouse is, it's about taking his hand and saying, "okay, i trust you with my heart and you can trust me with yours." And then laughing when you really look at each other and see food stains all over your clothes from your kids and the dark circles under your eyes and the wrinkles setting in your face and the absurdity of growing older is funnier than anything you ever thought was funny when you first started dating.
Meet the Blogger!
I'm a mom. A writer. A lover of good fantasy. A proponent of nursing when possible. A birth advocate. I am absolutely horrible at keeping my house clean or the dishes washed or the laundry done. I strongly believe in women having a positive birth. When we start to respect women's rights to birth the way they want, we can start to treat women as equal people in this world.
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