It is actually happening. Israel. One month down and counting.
I haven't blogged in two months, I have written anything this entire time.
Moving to Israel has overwhelmed my life. Also, Aaron has entered the stage of tantrums and clings to me incessantly. I am only blogging currently because I had the novel idea to throw him in the stroller and walk him in circles around the property until he fell asleep. I'm hitting myself for not thinking of this idea months ago. Typically I have to hold him the entire time we are home unless Sadie is home and plays with him.
It has been quite the adventure these past few months.
We needed to fix up some things around the house that we never finished with the remodel. Then we needed to find tenants and show the house which meant packing more than half the house in order to have an overall organized appearance. With a super clingy Aaron and an inability to focus in chaos, I needed to hire cleaning help. I found an amazing lady who came in, saw my distress and then proceeded to boss me around helping me focus, clean and get organized.
We were blessed with a couple, the first people we showed the house to, who fell in love and decided to rent with us immediately. All of this only came together a few days ago as Christmas and New Years made it difficult to coordinate.
Last Sunday we flew home from a week family vacation in Cabo with Logan's family. My uncontrollable anxiety and terror related to flying made both turbulent flights difficult to manage. I am not sure how I am going to fly across the country and then to Israel in a month. I am aware I need to get a handle on my fear of flying and pray I will find inner peace.
We have one weekend, this weekend, to pack most of our house and put it in storage. By the following Sunday we will need to be vacated and patching up holes in walls and touching up paint.
The last real difficult factor is our dog Emma. Originally my sister said she was going to take her and then a few days before we left for Cabo she decided she no longer wanted the responsibility. Our Fedex guy had told me months ago he would take Emma if we wanted him to adopt her. Well, when we contacted him he let us know his wife didn't want another dog and he needed to pass on the offer. I have a wonderful dog's life in my hands and I am really stressed. My husband does not want to take her to Israel with us, and for the sake of shalom bayis (family peace) I have to leave her behind. I refuse to bring her to the pound. I am trying every option to find her a family.
Although there is a certain sadness for me that Aaron is getting older and we are leaving the baby years behind, I am feeling like Spring is coming to my life. A cool breeze is blowing towards me promising me freedom. I have either had a baby inside of me or attached to me for almost 5 years of my life. I am done. I am physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. I have no more of myself to give. I feel depleted on all levels. Although my husband has been helping me immensely and given me breaks, I am worn out by the responsibility of having a baby. I am exhausted. I still do not sleep through the night. Aaron continues to nurse and cry at night. I nursed Sadie for 17 months and I am committed to nursing Aaron for the same period of time. But I can't wait to stop nursing. I resent nursing him. I resent having to bare my breasts whenever he needs comfort.
I look forward to Aaron going to school. I look forward to working on my career. I am tired of living a life filled with laundry, cooking and children with nothing else to enrich me. I crave accomplishing goals that are important to me. My life-work balance is not there and I need it. I am no longer content as a housewife.
I do not know what Israel will offer but I am eager and open to its gifts.
Meet the Blogger!
I'm a mom. A writer. A lover of good fantasy. A proponent of nursing when possible. A birth advocate. I am absolutely horrible at keeping my house clean or the dishes washed or the laundry done. I strongly believe in women having a positive birth. When we start to respect women's rights to birth the way they want, we can start to treat women as equal people in this world.
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