You Look Fat In That

Yesterday I called my husband nearly in tears.

I take my kids to swim class twice a week. Because my youngest is only 9 months, I have to get into the pool with him. I usually wear a bikini with a t-shirt and shorts. Yesterday, I put on my bikini top in front of my daughter.

"Mommy, that top is too skinny"

"What Sadie?"

"That top is too small mommy."

"Oh, well, that's okay."

I have the top on me covering my breasts.

"Mommy, you look fat in that."


I Look Fat In That.

My husband thought this conversation was hilarious and on-point.

When I told him what happened he said to me, "well, honey, where do you think a three year old hears these things? You have a constant monologue of being fat and ugly. This is your result."

In the morning today I looked in the mirror while brushing my teeth, Sadie (my three year old) stood next to me. I remembered the negative words that came out of her mouth. She must have heard every time I complained about looking fat or old or ugly. I have seared into her mind that looks matter - simply by speaking negatively about myself.

This morning I stood there and looked at myself. I saw the same bloodshot eyes, the wrinkles under my eyes, the flaws I see every day and I looked at Sadie and lied to myself - I declared to the mirror, "I look so pretty today."

I LIED.

And yet, when the words came out of my mouth, I felt pretty.

In two seconds the same face went from tired and old to pretty.

From now on I will lie and lie and lie until I believe it, if not for me, for my daughter who I think is absolutely perfect.

May she never look at a mirror and think she is ugly or fat or less than because of her appearance.