Yesterday I called my husband nearly in tears.
I take my kids to swim class twice a week. Because my youngest is only 9 months, I have to get into the pool with him. I usually wear a bikini with a t-shirt and shorts. Yesterday, I put on my bikini top in front of my daughter.
"Mommy, that top is too skinny"
"That top is too small mommy."
"Oh, well, that's okay."
I have the top on me covering my breasts.
"Mommy, you look fat in that."
I Look Fat In That.
My husband thought this conversation was hilarious and on-point.
When I told him what happened he said to me, "well, honey, where do you think a three year old hears these things? You have a constant monologue of being fat and ugly. This is your result."
In the morning today I looked in the mirror while brushing my teeth, Sadie (my three year old) stood next to me. I remembered the negative words that came out of her mouth. She must have heard every time I complained about looking fat or old or ugly. I have seared into her mind that looks matter - simply by speaking negatively about myself.
This morning I stood there and looked at myself. I saw the same bloodshot eyes, the wrinkles under my eyes, the flaws I see every day and I looked at Sadie and lied to myself - I declared to the mirror, "I look so pretty today."
And yet, when the words came out of my mouth, I felt pretty.
In two seconds the same face went from tired and old to pretty.
From now on I will lie and lie and lie until I believe it, if not for me, for my daughter who I think is absolutely perfect.
May she never look at a mirror and think she is ugly or fat or less than because of her appearance.
Meet the Blogger!
I'm a mom. A writer. A lover of good fantasy. A proponent of nursing when possible. A birth advocate. I am absolutely horrible at keeping my house clean or the dishes washed or the laundry done. I strongly believe in women having a positive birth. When we start to respect women's rights to birth the way they want, we can start to treat women as equal people in this world.
Sites I Value