I'm ashamed to admit this, but I've started yelling at Sadie.
Nothing sadistic or mean, however the occasional "STOP SCREAMING" erupts from within me as hours of frustration look for a place to go.
Sort of ironic to yell stop screaming to someone who is screaming.
I didn't realize how much I was falling into the habit until Logan pointed out to me tonight that I'm yelling a lot more than I used to.
I went from never yelling to yelling occasionally. It's hard not to when my toddler screams, yells, throws temper tantrums whenever she doesn't get her way. I just want her to stop. Yelling shocks her and gets her to stop. But it's probably not the best way to deal with the situation.
I could get her to calm down by doing what she wants, but then I'm continuing to ignore my own needs. Maybe I want to continue what I'm doing and not stop everything to pick Sadie up and nurse her for the tenth time that hour. Perhaps she should let me finish typing on the computer and she should go play with her toys instead of demanding to sit on my lap and then beat at the keyboard with whatever she is holding.
It's difficult finding the balance between Sadie's needs and my own. I want to be there for her. I want to love her and kiss her and give her all the support she needs. From the day she was born it has been my philosophy to hold her and cuddle her whenever she cried. I have maintained constant physical contact to keep her happy. After 15 months I'm finding it challenging to continue this trend. I need my personal space. Sadie needs to figure out how to find comfort in other ways.
I think the truth is I'm feeling worn out as a mother. I knew being a parent was a selfless act of giving but I never realized how much of my life I was giving. Sadie needs me to nurse her every 40 minutes while she naps. So I can't really finish anything while she naps. Also, most of the time I have to either hold her or lay down next to her while she naps.
My whole life revolves around Sadie.
I have also been sick for the past 2-3 weeks - being sick with a toddler is not a fun experience. All I want to do is curl up in bed for a week and read books and drink hot tea and heal. Instead I'm doing everything but what I need.
My house needs to stay clean, Sadie needs to get fed, laundry needs to be done, diapers need to be changed and my desire to rest in bed all day is a distant dream.
One of the best parts of being married is having a husband who calls you out on your shit. I was initially upset with Logan but now I am grateful for his opinion. He knows how important it is to me not to have a "yelling" home. I want a place of peace and serenity and love. I need to go back to that desire and deal with Sadie from a place of love. Tonight I am renewing my commitment to staying calm with Sadie.
Meet the Blogger!
I'm a mom. A writer. A lover of good fantasy. A proponent of nursing when possible. A birth advocate. I am absolutely horrible at keeping my house clean or the dishes washed or the laundry done. I strongly believe in women having a positive birth. When we start to respect women's rights to birth the way they want, we can start to treat women as equal people in this world.
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