The Desire For a Second One

Some hours after I gave birth to Sadie I remember the operating doctor telling me that I would be able to have more children by VBAC due to the low incision method he used to get Sadie out of my uterus. I remember scoffing at him, almost mockingly, that he would ever think I wanted to go through bringing another person into the world. At that moment I was convinced that he was crazy to even broach the topic with me.

Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me.
Momma taught me better than that.
I now understood what pregnancy and childbirth were about and I wasn't going anywhere near that insanity again.

The first few weeks of Sadie's life I looked at her wonderingly asking myself constantly about the whereabouts of her parents. "Those fools left her and forgot about her." I had convinced myself that Sadie was going to be picked up and I was finally going to get some sleep. 
Ah, mythical sleep. Well, suffice to say, I'm still waiting for her parents and for sleep. 
Around 6 months postpartum life became more tolerable. I felt less inclined to run for the hills and more confident as a mother. I started to toy with the idea of another child.

It's not fair for her to grow up as an only child. 
Maybe I'm ready for a second one.
Logan, are you ready for a second one?

As I spoke out loud the thoughts running in my head, feeling out the idea of being pregnant again, I secretly had zero desire to have another baby. Logan on the other hand was enthusiastic about trying for a second one. He repeatedly told me that it was my decision when I was ready to have a baby but he was on board with the idea. Strongly on board. Wanted another baby. Any day. Whenever I was ready he was ready.

When Sadie was around nine months old I got fed up with the extra weight I was carrying and put myself on a diet and started to exercise. Upon losing 20 pounds in the following few months I decided I was too sexy to get pregnant again. My twenty seven year old body would never be the same and I needed to wait until I was fifty to have the next child - at fifty I couldn't be a hot 20 year old so I wouldn't care about the weight gain and stretch marks then. There is something so unfair about having children in our best looking years. When I was 19 I had a male friend in his early 30's tell me my looks were only going downhill from there. I remember feeling outraged and disappointed at the notion. I wasn't even fully developed as a woman (mentally, emotionally) and I was already losing my most important asset (this is what I thought at the time).
At twenty seven my boobs don't have the same perkiness and my lower abdomen is covered in stretch marks. I may have some wrinkles I didn't have a few years ago. The crazy part is I feel far more beautiful today than I ever did at nineteen. I have come to realize that marriage and motherhood has given me the ability to appreciate my package. By being at peace with myself I can fully appreciate who I am and what I look like. Ultimately, I have come to terms with feeling beautiful/sexy and bringing more children into the world during my hottie years.

At fourteen months postpartum the desire to have another baby blossomed within me. Many of my friends were either having babies or nearing the end of their pregnancies. Sadie was transitioning from a baby to a toddler. My baby wasn't a baby any more. Some days the need to get pregnant was overwhelming and other days I was relieved to not be burdened. At seventeen months postpartum I weaned Sadie. I had several drunken nights celebrating the freedom of my body. I even popped some pain killers for the first time since my C-section for a headache. My body belonged to me again and it was the most exciting feeling. I could drink, eat, do whatever I wanted without worrying about my decisions' affect on Sadie's health.

In Israel I realized I was finally ready to have another baby. Any future pregnancy would be welcomed and resentment-free. I wanted to bring another soul into the world. I wanted Sadie, the kisser of all babies, to have her own sibling to kiss and cuddle.

The transition from not wanting anything to do with pregnancy/labor to now having an indescribable need to have another child is amazing. I like to joke that having more than one kid means you are nuts. There is no way you could want a second one after knowing what the first one is like, and yet, here I am willingly signing away the next several years of my life to bringing another child into our family. God willing I only have good news to share in the following year.