Reflection

Sadie turns two in March. From an outsider's perspective I have been a mother for nearly two years. The truth is, I became a mother the day I learned I was pregnant. From the moment I saw the word "positive" on the pregnancy test I swore off anything that could possibly damage the baby within me.

I didn't take a single pain killer until I was strapped into the hospital bed about to give birth. I didn't drink. I didn't eat sushi - okay, I had sushi twice but it was life or death for me. I ate one non-kosher item out of rabid hunger during a long drive (McDonald's chicken nuggets). I didn't lift heavy things. I was extremely careful and avoided anything I found to be unnecessary.

I rubbed my belly daily and told my baby how much I loved her. I marveled at her kicks and active nature between 11pm and 2am. I looked forward to her hiccups. I cried at every ultrasound when I could hear her heartbeat saying hello. For 24 hours of labor I laid there and had the sound of her heartbeat on full blast so I always knew she was there. I worried about her intellect and ate lots of fish. I forced myself to swallow vitamins that half the time would come right back up. My baby deserved the best that I could give her.

Looking back at the past two years I am amazed by how different motherhood is in comparison to what I imagined it would be prior to giving birth to Sadie. When I was pregnant, I did everything in my power to control my environment and what I put in my body. Now that Sadie is out and part of the world I have realized how challenging it is to control everything Sadie does. I find myself asking God many times a day to watch out for Sadie and protect her. A simple slide turns into a potential broken limb, a swing an easy way to twist an ankle - the once innocent playground now a battlefield triggering constant prayers slipping from my lips.

I had no idea how difficult it would be to discipline my own child. Whenever her impish eyes and devilish smile are turned on and shot at me full blast to avoid punishment I have to restrain myself from laughing. Sometimes I have to use an old fencing trick and look past her head to maintain a stern expression and to find the words to teach her a lesson.

I never realized that motherhood would tear down all of my boundaries. I went from spending a lot of alone time in my room to never having alone time. I am constantly touched, jumped on, pulled on, hit, yelled at, cried on, cuddled and pushed away. Sadie has no understanding of Mommy Personal Time.

Nursing was a huge shock. I thought nursing meant you fed your child a couple of times a day and then you're good. No, nursing means being on call all day and night with no mercy. None. Not even if you plead and explain that you're exhausted and the past 16 months of being woken up every hour to nurse throughout the night is killing you.

Sadie having a cough, a sniffle, a fever is the end of the world for me. THE END OF THE WORLD. Sadie had a runny nose a few days ago, I almost slipped into a full blown depression. I had to remind myself it's just a runny nose and we will both survive. I had no idea how much every little sign of illness would throw me into a state of panic.

Love. I thought I understood love prior to having Sadie in my life. I loved my family. I loved my husband. My love for Sadie is deeper and greater than all of the other love in my life combined. I absolutely love Sadie. I breathe Sadie. I think about Sadie at night and during the day. I worry about her and I want her to only be healthy and happy.

I didn't realize that Mommy Esther and Not-Mommy Esther would become the same person. Just because I leave my child at home with daddy doesn't mean I am not a mom when I step out the house. Being a parent is all consuming. Priorities adjust. My needs are diverted to my child's needs.

In hindsight I wish I had a changing table. Someone told me you didn't need one so I decided to save some money and not buy one. With the next child, I want a changing table. I want a central place where all the diaper stuff will be stored. Not having a changing table was a mistake I will not repeat twice.

Two years later I now know that being a mother means so much more than just cuddling a cute baby and feeding it every few hours. It's more than just diaper changes. It's more than telling the child "no"  or "yes." Being a parent is truly a full time position where it's my responsibility to raise a wonderful person who will one day get married, have children and hopefully pass down Torah values and represent the Jewish people continuing the long line of Jewish education passed on from generation to generation.