I Have a Confession To Make

This is 2009 prior to cleaning people and during the vomiting I'm-going-to-die stage.

I have cleaning people.

Hate me. I already hate myself.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I clean my own house?

Having cleaning people makes me feel hoity-toity Orange County Housewifish.

When Logan and I first cohabited we agreed to maintain the house together. One of the biggest fights we ever had was over the fact neither of us actually cleaned the house. After hours of fighting we wrote out a chore list. The list was great - for about a month. Then I started to fall behind on laundry, Logan fell behind on cleaning toilets and we were back at square one.

We didn't fight about it, we just let the house fall apart. Slowly. Then I got pregnant. The house fell into a state of disaster. I lived on the couch and vomited throughout the day, Logan worked full-time, neither of us maintained our living space. This is when we first hired cleaning people.

After Sadie was about 16 months old I decided we didn't need to pay for cleaning people anymore. I took on the responsibility of cleaning the house and even cleaned the toilets. The house didn't look spectacular. It stayed moderately clean. On days we expected guests Logan and I dashed madly rush around the house cleaning until the house became socially acceptable.

Five months ago when pregnancy nausea reared its ugly head and our house started to look like the picture above, we rehired our cleaning people. The house looks great. I'm also doing a lot better physically and maintaining the house between visits. I've mentioned to Logan the idea of letting them go or hiring them less often - he hates the idea. I mentioned the idea to Logan's dad and he hates the idea. Everyone dismisses the idea of firing the cleaning people. I'll admit, I'm not the most organized/scheduled/enthusiastic homemaker. There are weeks when sweeping the floor is "good enough." I understand their perspective.

So why the massive guilt (other than feeling like a spoiled princess who can't clean her own house)?

The cleaning crew consists of two women. Two months ago I realized one of them was pregnant.

?!?!?!?!

She is due a month before me. Now I feel like an asshole. I lay in bed and/or leave the house while another pregnant lady cleans my house. (I was in bed for a few months due to severe nausea that has finally gone away.) What the hell is wrong with me? How can a woman who is further along in her pregnancy clean my house while I can barely wash my dishes?

And then the ultimate guilt surfaces. I won't even use antibacterial soap if I can help it out of fear of hurting my baby while she uses all kinds of cleaning chemicals to clean my house. Despite having some natural/earth friendly cleaning solutions, I also have Windex and tile cleaning and toilet cleaning solutions that are not pregnancy friendly. I don't know what to do. Even if I change all the chemicals in my house she probably uses these chemicals in other peoples' houses. And if I fire her, I have taken away a source of income. At the same time, if something went wrong with her baby I would never forgive myself.

This is a terribly confusing situation. How can I not expect the same standard of care for this woman as I expect for myself?

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