Two nights ago I woke up at 2:30 in the morning confused. I was wide awake while Aaron was actually sleeping. My heart was pounding. I could feel the beat beat beat of my heart against my chest. I had a loop of horrible thoughts about Aaron in my mind. I was petrified he had passed away in his sleep (God forbid). I sat in my bed and refused to check on him. My inability to sleep for longer than two hours since having Sadie needed to stop. I understood I was having an anxiety attack.
As a parent the horror stories of other parents waking up and finding their children dead has instilled a fear of the night deep within my mind. I hate the night. The quiet silence of darkness is a void where anything can happen. When we sleep we are at our most vulnerable, I almost want to take shifts at night where either Logan or I keep watch over our household. It's almost unnatural to accept a scenario where we both sleep and leave our children defenseless in a room separate from our own. I co-slept with Sadie for 2.5 years and kept her in our room for another 6 months out of fear that something could happen to her while I wasn't watching.
When I mention my fears to other mothers, many of them more optimistic, tell me to trust in God, have faith, everything will work out. I hate to admit how little comfort I find in those words. The Torah is riddled with stories of very good people having very difficult lives.
And then, what about the Holocaust? Or the Pogroms? Or all the amazing wonderful people in this time, this era, who have lost children or have known sorrow? I know of two different fathers with several kids each who have been killed by car accidents in the past six months. How can I have faith when bad things happen all the time?
Obviously I believe in God. But I don't pretend to have any understanding of his ways. And I know the idea "that everything happens for a reason" - but is it a reason or is it people doing what they best - making the best out of any situation?
Perhaps that is the ultimate answer. At the end, everything works out.
The problem lies with my demand that everything in the end works out the way I want it to.
Until I can reconcile my belief in God and that everything is for the good versus seeing a lot of bad in this world, I don't know how to conquer my anxiety.
Edit: Upon further consideration I realize that having faith in today's world is having faith in a broken system. We are taught that now we are in exodus and God has turned away from us. Only in the time of Moshiach (the Messiah) will we live in the world God intended for us. Where can I find peace knowing that the system itself is broken?
Meet the Blogger!
I'm a mom. A writer. A lover of good fantasy. A proponent of nursing when possible. A birth advocate. I am absolutely horrible at keeping my house clean or the dishes washed or the laundry done. I strongly believe in women having a positive birth. When we start to respect women's rights to birth the way they want, we can start to treat women as equal people in this world.
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