Right around the time Grandpa Hal died (about a month ago) my father told me he believed I was depressed. He felt that I resented my life - baby, not going to law school, getting married at 25. After we got off the phone I bawled in the shower for an hour. I sat there and just cried. Sadie didn't know what to do. She kissed me several times - her usual way to get me to be happy - and then was stumped when I continued to heave and wail.
I really wanted to feel into my emotions. I wanted to embrace the idea I was depressed. After a good cry I decided I was going to figure out whether or not I was depressed. I asked Logan and my closest friends if they felt I was depressed. Nobody had the impression that I was anything other than normal. I spoke to God, I asked him if I was depressed. I cooked dinner, asked myself if I found that depressing. I did laundry and wondered if that would be my aha moment.
About two weeks later I was with my therapist and I started to talk about Grandpa Hal. Well, that's when the flood began. I cried for a long time. I realized that I wasn't depressed, I was suppressing my emotions. I was devastated that he died. I was overwhelmed that my house was a mess. I was drowning. I wasn't depressed but I also wasn't accepting my life.
I realized I hadn't come to terms with the choices I had made. I started to access everything. Did I want to continue being at home with Sadie? Did I want to clean my house? Did I want to live in a messy house? Was I happy with my life?
No, I wasn't living in New York going to NYU law school and living the single life. The reality was NYU denied me twice in the past five years - that dream wasn't in my cards.
I took a step back from my life. Some of the dreams I thought were important obviously were not part of my life path. I tried and failed. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am Sadie's mom. I am Logan's wife. I am a writer, a photographer, a dreamer, a cook, a laundress, a cleaning lady. I am exactly where God wants me to be.
I finally have accepted my life. No, not only accepted, I embrace my life. After crying it all out I knew I needed to make some changes. I hate living in a messy house. I clean my house everyday now. Maybe that's crazy but it makes me happy. I bought some stuff for the house to make it look more put together. I went thrift shopping and bought myself a bunch of great clothes for a good price. I love looking stylish and need to honor that need within me. I decided to make peace with my 20 year old self that demanded to continue partying and living a carefree life. I can't be that person forever.
And thankfully, I'm truly happy now. I'm honest with myself and my needs. I don't beat myself up anymore for not "being successful" or a "working woman." I accept that sometimes I need to nap. Some days I will wash the dishes and that will be an accomplishment. I feel good about where I am now.
Tomorrow my needs might change. I only hope I can embrace and honor whatever that may be and continue to respect myself.
Meet the Blogger!
I'm a mom. A writer. A lover of good fantasy. A proponent of nursing when possible. A birth advocate. I am absolutely horrible at keeping my house clean or the dishes washed or the laundry done. I strongly believe in women having a positive birth. When we start to respect women's rights to birth the way they want, we can start to treat women as equal people in this world.
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