I've never loved my body.
I remember my first swimming class. I was in a skin tight speedo around the age of 10 standing by the bleachers waiting for my name to be called. When the teacher called me I self-consciously walked to my group with my head down. All I could see were my thighs. It felt like I had the biggest thighs in the world. Each step made my thighs rub together and jiggle in their grossness.
Girls used to laugh at me behind my back. Boys were embarrassed that I had crushes on them. "eww... the fat girl likes me..."
My mother used to tell me I was so angry as a kid because I was angry out of being so fat.
I've had issues with bulimia and binging and have really found food to be a demon constantly lurking in the background. One bad meal can set me down a dark path of negativity.
For some reason people like to comment on my weight. It's as if my weight were a free-for-all and how many pounds I've lost/gained was everyone's business.
In the past six months I've lost around 15 pounds. I weigh what I used to weigh in college and the "good" months of high school. I've done it through lots of exercise and eating healthier. It doesn't mean I don't eat chocolate or cake or sugar or yummy things, I just try to cut them back when I can.
A few days ago a friend remarked that I looked so skinny and I must have lost at least 30 pounds, if not 50. First of all, that's a huge number. I'm 5"4, 50 pounds on my frame would really make a huge difference. And, and, and... who tells someone they look like they lost 50 pounds. I never! If I lost 50 pounds I'd be scary skinny. It wouldn't be healthy or good for me. And it is an insulting comment either way.
So why am I making my weight a free-for-all topic right now? Okay, secret confession time. I've never had a 6 pack. Or even seen my abdominal muscles. I think I have them but it's more a faith based relationship. Ever since I was a kid I had a flabby stomach. But NOW I have an excuse. That roll of fat on the bottom of my belly, that's from carrying my daughter within me (or at least it became worse because of her). I know there are celebrity moms and even extraordinary women who have children and have flat bellies in no time, I'm not one of those moms.
I wish I could say that having a child has eliminated all body issues for me and I'm 100% comfortable in my own skin. I can't say that. But I can say that the stretch marks, the softer skin, the C-section scar that is long and cut crookedly across my abdomen, all of these things have helped me love my body more. My thighs are no longer two evil beings trying to destroy my life. My stomach is no longer a curse, it is a blessing that has carried my daughter.
Our little family went to Palm Springs this weekend - my husband had to be there for work and Sadie and I tagged along. I can proudly say I ran after Sadie in the pool area wearing only a bathing suit and no wrap around my thighs. My usual baggy swim trunks were nowhere to be seen. I didn't worry that people were staring at my thighs and laughing at me. I walked around proudly and stood with my hands on my hips with my legs firmly set on the ground proud to be me, thighs and all.
Meet the Blogger!
I'm a mom. A writer. A lover of good fantasy. A proponent of nursing when possible. A birth advocate. I am absolutely horrible at keeping my house clean or the dishes washed or the laundry done. I strongly believe in women having a positive birth. When we start to respect women's rights to birth the way they want, we can start to treat women as equal people in this world.
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