When I moved to California from Illinois I noticed that I did not fit in with my peers. I didn't speak the vernacular and I was too uptight. I vowed to work on that and to become more "California." Well, ten years later, I have come to the conclusion that my language skills are deteriorating. My writing is sub-par. I need work. I have forgotten how to use big words. The very fact that in my mind they are "fancy" words highlights my problem.
If I wasn't a mother (God forbid) I would enroll myself in a PhD program - either for literature or writing. I am fully aware that I can not balance school and motherhood at this current moment. Nor am I interested in having Sadie watched by other people so I can attend school. My solution is I will be creating my own academic challenges. Currently I am reading Walden by Henry David Thoreau. My ability to understand language dissimilar from 2011 vernacular is so dismal that I need to read each sentence quietly out loud to even know what I am reading. Years of reading literature for fun has taught me how to speed-read without retaining much of the information offered on the page. I am fascinated with how difficult it is to focus in this day and age. When I was growing up AIM was a distraction but I didn't have a smart phone and an ipad singing to me every time someone comments on my Facebook page or I receive an email. The distraction is insane. I can barely focus. Between Sadie and the electronics I cannot stay on task. This is also eye opening in terms of my children and the type of boundaries they will have regarding their electronics. I am thinking the cell phone, laptop, ipad, mp3 player and computer will all be on lockdown during homework hours... As for myself, ideally I would like to have set times I check my email/Facebook and the rest of the time I can focus on my goals and task list. It's amazing how many distractions we have in this culture that deter us from attaining success. Free time that used to be a time for creativity and reflection is now sucked up by mindless entertainment found online. I am loving Walden. The language is complex and time consuming and the concepts are philosophical and timeless. I would like to introduce a quote from the book and discuss it in detail. "Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared with our own private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate." That quote speaks to me directly. Growing up I looked to my parents to tell me who I was going to be as an adult. As a young adult I looked to teachers, friends, and enemies to forecast my future. I searched for clues in astrological sites. I wrote letters to the Rebbe for clues. I soul searched with everyone I knew begging for pointers regarding my life. I worried about what my enemies thought. I spent so much time searching for the answer I didn't do anything. My early 20's came and went without any great triumphs. I tried to get into law school because my parents said I would make an excellent lawyer. Two LSATs later, with two unsatisfying scores, and three years of tying to get into law school, my parents were the only people who believed I would make a good lawyer. I'm 27 now and I stay at home with my child. For the first time in my life I am keeping my weight down without throwing up, starving myself or hating myself. On days that I indulge I don't take myself down. Motherhood, interestingly enough, brought about a sense of satisfaction. Sadie, my daughter, adores me. She does not judge me for having a bad gpa in college or not getting into law school or having no career. She loves me because I am good to her. I know I am a good mother. I know I am pretty. I know that eating too much one day or even one week will not destroy my good health and slimmer physique. My fate is finally starting to come together as I release my grip on it. Once I have stopped trying to make my future happen, my future is unfolding. My writing career is taking off as I have found my voice again and will begin submitting pieces in hope of starting a career as a writer. I am a good wife and a great mother. I am a good friend. I am becoming closer to God without even realizing that was important to me. I am satisfied with myself and I am finally happy. Moreover, by finding satisfaction with myself I am inadvertently destroying the power my enemies had over me. By being positive and kind to myself I am creating the fate I wanted and didn't know how to get. No, I will never be the next Julius Caesar, but a girl can dream.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Meet the Blogger!
I'm a mom. A writer. A lover of good fantasy. A proponent of nursing when possible. A birth advocate. I am absolutely horrible at keeping my house clean or the dishes washed or the laundry done. I strongly believe in women having a positive birth. When we start to respect women's rights to birth the way they want, we can start to treat women as equal people in this world. Archives
February 2016
Sites I Value
http://blog.ican-online.org/ |